.. well, I think it’s painfully obvious to you guys I spend a lot of time at my computer, sitting my ass in my leather office chair bothering the hell out of everybody.. comfortable as it may be, my wife decided my ass needed protection – not against convicts or anal probing, but against hemorrhoids.. and being a protective and worried woman, she bought me a cushion.. p.s. all women try to protect your ass, but don’t realize that they’re the biggest pain in that body-area.. anyway..
.. well, I was surprised to find a big-ass cushion in my chair, and tried to compile whether or not I would still fit in it.. but, after a trial day, the verdict was in – it was comfortable as hell.. like sitting on a fucking cloud.. my ass would never be numb again.. but, as faith would prove, my nose and brain would follow..
.. everybody farts.. I know it’s like a tabu subject, but fuck it.. be honest with yourself – at least.. we all fart.. fat guys, cool guys, old guys, sexy bitches, models or huge fat chicks.. they all fart.. it may be noisy, smelly, stinky or downright nuclear.. well, my farts are classified as nuclear-level farts.. people who know that are not willing to spend more than 30 seconds with me in enclosed spaces – this is the reason why it is not safe for you to smoke in my car.. sure, I could blame it on my diet or eating habits, or just plain not admit it, but it just wouldn’t be my style, so here goes..
.. I’m dangerous.. my ass should be registered with the local authorities as a deadly weapon.. I mean, come on.. I’ve smelled entire zoos least offensive than this.. I once passed by a skunk that covered its mouth when I farted.. birds fly to the south and clouds spread when my cheeks do.. you get the point..
.. now, try to imagine this.. my new, fluffy cushion has – unavoidable – been taking some hits for the team, acting as a part-time silencer and part-time buffer between my ass and the wallpaper around me, but everything has its limits.. so, sometime Friday, as I was typing like a bat out of hell, I naturally tried to switch my body position, in order to prevent my brain from falling asleep – yes, in this comparison my brains are in my but cheeks, play along.. what would follow can only be described as.. THE HORROR!..
.. the most important thing I can think of is: I was damn lucky I was sitting down.. honestly, my brain crashed and threw a blank/blue screen at me, while trying to comprehend the hazardous materials and chemicals it had to process for a few seconds.. after which, it tried to find the source of the abominable smells that prevented it from reach full potential.. the source was obvious, but now the question was how the hell to get up from the chair without passing out?!..
.. luckily, somebody opened a window and I managed to survive the procedure and must state that this smell magnet will and has affected the quality of surrounding air even if left untouched.. which lead to the following two questions:
..one.. should I keep the damn thing, or sacrifice my ass in order to protect my brain?!..
.. and two.. if I fart in my washing machine, would it be ruined for ever?!..